my own personal secret nightmare

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Posted by jason on April 07, 1999 at 08:13:39:

In Reply to: Dreaming of a friend that passed away posted by JustRemembering on February 28, 1999 at 19:56:18:

did you know that i only have one eternity to live?
you are now thinking "what the hell ?" but i am serious. if god does exist he probably hates me but i really haven't done any thing wrong that isn't his fault due to the mind he gave me that makes my decisions. it is not my fault i think the way i do, he created me i didn't, i didn't choose this life. so i see it as if i were to wind up in hell, i already am there so he realizes i am used to it. this world is much more corruptive and painfull than any hell. it has become my own personal one throughout my life. i figure since i won't get the "pleasure" of remaining in hell when i die and god hates me too much to let me in heaven i will spend the rest of my life living in hell.
see the way i figure the world is hell for everybody. the longer you live the worse your other life was if it was really a life. after you have suffered your time on this earth you then move on to eternity in nowhere. it's like all of our consciousness were already existing before we were born. energy cannot just be created like that from other humans. the time on earth is just a short little something we go through just to try it if we wanted too in our previous "life" though as far as we are considered now we are really just dead (yes i am making this up as i go along) so when i say that i didn't choose how i think i mean that the me that the real me is imagining me to be is actually thinking of the methods that my thoughts should create. the me that thinks it physically exist is there fore just an imagination of itself and mindlessly convulsing until this horrific fantacy known as my life which was created by the actual me's imagination is either interupted or he decides to end it. this particular power over myself puts me in the place of a god over myself. since i am god over myself and technically if it weren't for my self and my own imagination and consciosness nobody could really exist as far as i could percieve i would there for also be the god of every body including you. however i have devised certian ways to make myself suffer and little do i know it but every body else is run on their own little collective consciousness and thinks as one person. so in reality i am just god to two people, me and them, known as you. finally when that day comes when i imagine myself dying i may decide to start a knew fantacy about something completely diffrent than anything i now percieve as reality. for instance gravity may or may not exist and it's existance may or may not be relevant. i could imagine myself as a paranoid amoeba in a place where time doesn't exist and every day is an exciting conquest of wondering where that light comes from where it turns out that it is a microscope illuminating my entire body as a reasearchers believe they have found a piece of glue which is latin for fly squirrel remains after an accidental fusion release due to an extreme pressure system building up in the east pole. i may not even have an established audio communication system. i may just have another sense diffrent than esp but unlike one of the five. my imagination can take off in any direction or take off in an imaginary direction. in the next life i live for myself i will have no recollection of this one therefore this one is irrelivant. it is just a dream or night mare where i will wake up go back to sleep and have another completely diffrent from this depending on how the other me thinks is how he/she dreams there for i am a result of his transgressions, so in a sense even though this is all my dream i cannot control it and since this is all my imagination and i am god i am essentially a powerless god at least to the point where i cannot even control my own dreams.

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